Dis short storee takes me back some yee'ahz ago. Back to a time wen life was much mo' simplah. Back wen nevah had too many worries, 'cept fo' wen sum'body cut one deadly fut! Yeah, das right ... fut! Bettah known on da mainland az, "fart, toot, poot," or da most commonly used term, "passing gas".

I often thought about dat term, "passing gas". What? Wen you stay at da dinnah table and sum'boddy ask you fo' pass da rice, you pass em to sum'boddy who stay "receiving" 'em, right? Well, da fut is da same way! There is no fun in cutting futs eeef no'mo noboddy to "pass" da gas to. Das what dis story is about ... Juss having sum fun.

You can tell wen keeds in Hawaii get bored. Da subject fo discussion always end up on da "fut topic". We waz in da 7th grade and needless to say, me and my friends was no exception. One evening I was spending da night at my friend's house. Sunnie was one tiny but loud, full blooded Portagee tita! We was close as close can get because we shared everyting! Yeah, we shared even doze winnah kine futs!

I had one idea dat I knew Sunnie couldn't pass up. I figah dat eeef we both load up on, da kine, food dat stay give you gas, den we could call a couple uddah friends, tell dem to come ovah, and wen dey least expect it, BLASS EM! Eh, how fass bordom can pass wen get one brilliant project li'dat, yeah? We wen jump up, run in da kitchen, and like two savages dat nevah eat fo' ages, waz tearing da kitchen apaht looking fo gas buildahz! One bottle of Kim Chee was opened. Az I waz boiling eggs, Sunnie was scooping eggnog ice cream. Regular cabbage waz next and whea da beans? No can fo'get da BEANS!

Aftah pigging out on da choice kine gas making, fut building foods, we wen go lay down and wait fo da eruption. One owah pass. Two owah, den tree owah wen pass! And what you fighah? Nuttin happened! Befoah we knew it was time fo eat dinnah! We was still full from eating all da gas making stuffs and wanted to juss fo'get about eating dinnah! But den, Sunnie's moddah wen tell us dat had Kalua peeg and CABBAGE fo dinnah! WhooHooo! Mo' ammo! We GO!!!

Stuffing da pukas in owah faces wit dat cabbage was cracking us up 'cuz we knew why we was doing it. We had hahd time fo keep from bussing up laffing. Eh, now you know dat wen yo'wah keeds stay acking funnee kine, and trying not fo buss up laffing at da dinnah table, you can bet dey get one plan going! Moah eggnog ice cream to follow aftah dinnah fo' dessert. Owa opu was stretch so tight wen look like swollen watah mellons already. We figha dat fo shuah was going have big time fireworks wit all what we wen eat.

We wen lay down in'sai her room again, juss waiting fo da rumble fo happen. Nuttin' again!! One owah pass and no gas! Den owa opu stahted to hurt. We bote was feeling queezy. What da heck went wrong? How come da buggah nevah work and we not making hauna stink bombs fo blast owa friends? Opu getting mo'sowah. Auwe! Da Pain!!!

Next ting we knew, we waz taking turns in da battroom, unloading! Oni had one battroom, so we had to switch off. And every time one of us waz pau, da uddah would go in and almost pass out from da fumes!!! We was gagging cuz all dat hauna foodz we wen eat earlier made, da kine, death fog! WhoooHoooo, da aroma could kill one elephant!

Needless to say dat owa plan to blass owa friends wen "BACK FIRE"! Such one appropriate term, yeah? We wen plan one kolohe (rascal) deed and in da END it was us who wen get da blast in dat hauna, broke da nose battroom! Was one good plan, but who knows what went wrong.

Da moral of dis story is: Futs are like da wind ... It comes and goes as it pleases. Eeef you going try bottle da buggah up, especially just to stick 'em up some powah friends nostrils, going only BACK FIRE on you!

Izzie Kikue was born in Honolulu and raised in Kaneohe, Hawaii. She now resides with her ohana several minutes southeast of Atlanta, Georgia. Her career had her be involved as assistant Director of Ministries and a Certified Biblical/Pastoral Counselor for a large Christian Ministry in Southern California and later in Georgia. With a Th.D. (Dr./Theology), she devoted much of her time and energy traveling to third world countries offering physical and spiritual aide to people who needed assistance due to war situations and other misfortunes. Izzie is currently taking a breather from overseas travels and is now focusing her time and energy on her nani daughter, as well as "Bringing Aloha to the Internet" as AlohaWorld's co-owner and host on a mission to promote Aloha in Action.