At sixteen years old, da most awesome babes in school wuz Kainoa Kane. She was fine. And she wen' know dat too! She made one list of da bestest!
- Best Legs
- Bestest Sexy Smile
- Bestest Big Muscle Body
- Best Nicest White Teets (in da mouth li' dat)
Her had da' barking rights fo' dis' 'cause she was voted "Da Most Chest on one Surfah Chick" and also "Da Most Dreamed About" an den' "Da' Most Talk About When Da Subject of Smoof Skeen" wen' come up in P.E.
I sat behind her in Hawaiiana class. Ho ... She always had one gardinia flowah in her ear dat I could smell when she pass by fo' go sharpen her penso. I jes' no can help, but I always wuz trying fo' get her attention by lean ova my desk and trying fo' whispah one joke oah some 'ting ... but try fo' sniff her long e'hu hair too li'dat. You know dat neva work.
Cuz fo' all DAT ... I got voted "Da Class Portagee". Da Class Portagee mind you! I wasn't even Portagee!! I Hawaiian Irish, brah! And if dat wasn't nuff gunfunnit, I was voted first runner-up for "Da Bestest Legs on one Fat Boy".
She wen' pass out da results of her picks all ova da school. Her list fo' Most Sex Appeal, Awesome Kine Buns, Bestest Surfah Hair, drew choke peepohs around dea lockers and around dem in the caf lunch time. And from den' on every 'ting I said was suddenly so "Portagee" or "Mento". Fo' one exzampo, I could jes' roll my eyes, fut and burp in class and get sent to da principohs office. Howz dat! Dats not wat I wanted. But das how it wuz. I dunno, all I wanted fo' be wuz one of dohs surfa guyz who could whispah in Kainoa's hair and make her spin around and slap me one time on the po'o den turn back around wit one small kine puinsai grin on her face.
I wanted fo' be: "da Bestest Deep Sexy Voice" oah "da Rippah Surfah wit da awesome datsun truck and long straight e'hu hair and new lightning bolt board with new japslap slippahs", you know, some 'ting spesho! Not "Da Class Portagee" oah da "Bestest Legs on one Fat Boy" in Kaimuki High School.
Which den' till fo' evahs and mo far, going make me work mo' hard fo' make dis' Kainoa Kane start fo' spock me and look my way... and flash me da wuzzup shaka. Jes' wait and see cuz. Garanz!
About Author
Tim Aukake Brown (Kalani High School '73).
I was born on the North Shore (Waimea Falls Road) of O'ahu where life seemed easy. Plenty o'opu and mullet in the stream. You could ride horseback up the narrow dirt road that weaved between the blackberry and guava trees that led up to the falls. Life was great. I was raised in a family that was full of love, warmth and always rich in humor. Having wandered throughout, I again found Hawaii home. Settled on the slopes of the Koolau Mountains in Kaneohe with my family. For the past 12 years I've taken to express our Hawaiian heritage in the form of ceramic art. Me ke aloha pumehana.